December 7th to 13th: Community, The Challenge and The Cost

Reading from Spirituality of Living: Community
Reading from Spirituality of Homecoming: The Challenge & The Cost

We began our Advent journey by talking about the importance of creating space for God in our daily lives.  Last week we explored God’s heart behind the discipline of solitude – that he wants us to hear and know deeply that we are his Beloved.

1) This week Henri invites us to reflect on the discipline and blessing of community, because “solitude always calls us to community (p33, Living).
a) Why do you think solitude calls us to community?
b) Who makes up your current community?
c) Are you experiencing a time of loneliness?
d) Are you feeling stirred to deepen your current community or widen your community?

2) The discipline of community seems to involve a process: first Henri us invites to recognize that other people in our community are not God, and simply cannot love us perfectly.  He invites us to release them from this expectation, and also to forgive ourselves for not being able to love in this way.  From the strength that comes from solitude we can have the perspective to trust the good intention behind the behaviour of those around us; “I know you love me…” (p 37).  Finally we are called to actively celebrate and call forth the gifts of the those around us.
a) Have you had someone in your life who saw and drew forth your gifts?  How did it affect your life?
b) Have you had the opportunity to draw forth the gifts of another?  What was happening in your times of solitude that gave you the resources to do this?

In Homecoming he reminds us that living in community comes with a challenge and at a cost.

3) In The Challenge Henri writes, “An enemy is someone we have defined as being against us, in contrast to those who are for us.”  Therefore, to live in community–any community, a church, a school or workplace, even a family–is to have “enemies” at times.  And how are we to live with our enemies?  Henri challenges us to take the difficult steps to pray for them and to do small acts of service for them.  
a) This week reflect on who your enemies might be and how specifically you can respond to the challenge.  If you are comfortable, share what you discover.

4) Moving to The Cost we learn, “The cost of following Jesus is to take up our cross.”  We each carry our personal cross of “the small things, the little irritations, that occupy our mind the whole day like a toothache.  It can be a person, a situation, or an unfulfilled hope.”  Henri calls us to merge our cross with that of Jesus and he suggests a prayer that includes, “My burden will be your burden, and your burden will fill me with life and new hope.”  
a) This week strive to make Henri’s prayer your own and, if comfortable, share your experience.

We very much look forward to hearing from you all this week!

Ray and Brynn

53 Replies to “December 7th to 13th: Community, The Challenge and The Cost”

  1. I found these readings very challenging …in a good way. Why do I think solitude calls us to community?…Well, once we have been in the presence of the One who knows us better than we know ourselves and calls us the Beloved, we desire to be in community to share that experience with others. But community can be hard. As Henri recognizes and helps to address the pain and hurt that occurs. “The point is to remind ourselves of the truth that God loves that person as much as God loves us. We can trust that if we act according to our knowledge, then our feelings will catch up.” To pray for our enemies. I want to put this in practice more. He also mentioned in one of these readings how we can forgive freely every day. “Before we have had our breakfast, we have already had at least three opportunities to forgive people, because our mind is already wondering: What will they think about me? What will he or she do? How will they use me?” He expresses the struggles of everyday living and the many opportunities to forgive. We can’t do this without the cross. Jesus knows every pain and sadness and relates with us like no one can. I am so thankful for Jesus and my relationship with him in my life… that He knows me so intimately and loves me unconditionally. It is in that recognition that we can move forward. To receive the love he freely gives and then give it back. I walk away from these readings wanting to pray more for my enemies or those that offend me and to merge my cross with that of Jesus. That’s powerful! and somewhat daunting! As I reflect on that knowing that He freely died for all my pains and struggles then I want to die to those as well. So I can live more freely and love more freely. Why hang on to those things that bring about death? I hope that through prayer and resting more in His love and presence that this will bring abundant life to my spirit and those around me. Blessings. And thank you. This is a great challenge and worth considering and reflecting on beyond this discussion.

  2. Friends,
    As I write this I am sitting in the living room at the Mother of God Catholic Charismatic Community in Gaithersburg, Maryland where my wife and I are members. Dawn is coordinating the community Advent party (Lessons and Carols followed by a buffet supper) that begins shortly and, hopefully, will be well attended since my wife always make sure there is plenty of food. After re-reading the questions, I wanted to briefly reflect on the blessing of community that we have found here at Mother of God.

    I am a lifelong Catholic (now 64) and since I was a teenager I have always been active in my parish. However, being “active” in the parish wasn’t the same thing as belonging to a community. In my experience, serving on the pastoral council or school board was to belong to a group, not necessarily to build community as Henri describes it. I have always been a reader and interested in learning and understanding things, including faith, and my spiritual life largely developed in “solitude”–generally through my reading. For a number of years I spent one hour a week with the Lord in the Perpetual Adoration chapel at our parish–another time of “solitude.” Yet in my heart I knew I was searching for others with whom to share my faith journey (“community”) although didn’t know exactly what it would be like.

    I met my wife Dawn in 2007. Due to things we experienced on our independent journeys, our shared faith became an important connection between us. She is a lifelong Catholic as well, however, her spiritual journey had also taken her to a non-denominational church in addition to her Catholic parish. There she learned the joys of spirit-filled community. When we were getting married, we searched for a place where we could build on that experience and through the Internet (and the Spirit) we found Mother of God. We immediately felt welcomed in a way that was deeper and more personal than either of us had previously experienced in parish life. Over the next year we continued our participation and growth in community and we became “members” of the community later that year.

    Here at Mother of God we experience many of the things Henri describes. Community members commit to daily prayer and scripture reading (solitude) and to participate in the weekly prayer meeting, adult small group sharing, and events such as tonight’s Advent party (community and celebration). In addition, the community is actively involved in ministry (e.g., we sponsor a school) and evangelization (e.g., offering the ChristLife series). Sharing our lives with the other member of Mother of God community is central to Dawn and my individual lives, our married life together, and our faith journeys. The joy of “community” we experience at Mother of God strengthens and enhances our participation in our home parish as well.

    Is life in Mother of God community perfect? Is life in any “family” perfect? Of course not. The community has people with different personalities and, in many cases, a long and, at times, difficult history. (Almost sounds like “enemies” as described by Henri this week.) My wife Dawn is a member of the Community governing council (six members). The Council is seeking ways to foster unity and renewal. I read this week’s chapter on Community from Living to Dawn and it certainly resonated with her. We may recommend that the Council use Nouwen’s Spirituality of Living as a community resource in the near future.

    I for one know that after years of being an “active” Catholic, that my faith and life in the spirit are much richer and deeper due to the reinforcement that my solitude receives in the community at Mother of God.

    May the Lord give you peace and may you be blessed by both solitude and community on your journey.

    Ray

    1. From Liz Forest

      You are blessed to have connected with persons who share your beliefs. Many Life long Catholics remain anonymous members of parishes. Perhaps that is what suits them but I have found my spirit needs nourishment from other sources….hence I spend time here, in my own prayer spaces at home or at area retreat houses. Like the deer panting for thirst, I seek refreshing water!

  3. Shake the dust from your feet…Christ told his disciples…if persons close their hearts and ears to the work of the Spirit. A post above described how important it is to discern where to spend our energy and time. I did join a Bible study but only heard historical info…from a map of the Holy Land…very dull to me b/c I want to hear the Word as I can live it today…I want to take the message into my heart where the Spirit will direct my steps. The cultural/historical aspects of Christ’s teachings need application to my life today…..no need for Professorial approach…hearts need to be touched!

  4. When do the words “you are beloved” jump off the printed page and sink into one’s heart? I think this is my Advent to take these “words” and truly understand. I am very shy which makes it difficult for me to post comments or attempt to belong. That brings me great conflict because if I remain silent, how would anyone know how much you all have encouraged me? Everything that has been written in this discussion has been read and reread. Each time something deeper touches my heart. Joining hands and becoming a part of your community is my Advent blessing. Also, thank you, Ruth, for your insight that someone’s inability to love me does not mean that I am unloveable.

    1. Gloria, thanks for writing. Your resolution to let “You are beloved” sink into your heart strengthens my resolution to do the same and makes it easier because I am not alone. Blessings!!!!

  5. Jo…I appreciate what you said about your shingles being a “gift”. I have thought of my surgery the same way! As I said on a previous post…I have been blessed by this time of recuperation and solitude in ways I couldn’t have imagined. And that’s in addition to the obvious one of getting a break from my 100+ 12-13 year old students 🙂 I will remember you in prayer…I’m aware of the pain that comes with shingles as my mother also had them. Be well.
    Peace to all in this wonderful cyber-community…we are all wounded healers.
    Diane

    1. Hi Diane,

      We are on a similar journey during Advent. I will also remember you in my prayers. God is connecting us. 🙂

      Thank-you for your prayers.

      Jo

  6. As I was reading these comments, the Bible verse that kept coming into my mind was “We love because he first loved us.” (1John 4:19) When I found this verse in the bible I saw the preceding verse “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear” Henri taught that in solitude and prayer we learn to claim the voice that calls us the beloved as the deepest truth of our being. He wrote that without claiming that truth of our belovedness in God’s eyes, “we cannot walk freely in the world.”

    I can carry this belovedness within me as I walk out into the world, in communion or alone, in gain or in loss, in success or in disappointment, in the love others give me or in their inability to give love. Because God first loved me, I can love. Perhaps realizing the truth of that is how I move from solitude to community. Perhaps that is how I move in the world without fear and in freedom.

    1. YES!!!! Beautifully put and a great reminder. I for one need to hear this over and over and over again so I can truly believe God loves me, for whatever strange reason, he loves this combination of sin and grace, bumbling idiot and sincere follower, shy person and one who serves–and he loves me just as I am and doesn’t wait for me to get my act together. This is another comment I’m going to “frame” and hang on the walls of my inner room.

    2. Thanks for sharing, Christine. I will take this thought with me as I finish Advent and move into Christmas with all the distractions and stressors…..
      Peace–

  7. 2 days ago I was diagnosed with Shingles. I knew I was in the fast lane but didn’t know how to change lanes…shingles is doing that. Yesterday I slept all day and had to cancel a dinner invitation Tues night. This AM for lunch all my siblings will gather for a Christmas time together and I will not attend. The list goes on. Meanwhile I am in the house, resting, and somehow my heart is full of joy that this gift of ‘shingles” has freed me of responsibilities that would have been stressful. I am silent, prayerful and believe it will get me on the right track of listening closer to the Lord and going at a slower pace.

    I saw the “enemy” at a gathering on Sunday and while I spoke she smiled and turned away. I wondered how can one person cause so much pain in my life and seemingly undaunted by her behaviour. I had to forgive her again in my heart and focus on others present. How do we respond to someone who has spread lies about us..the way Christ did in an act of serious forgiveness.

    GB
    Jo

    1. Wow Jo. I’ve never heard shingles referred to before as a “gift”. The fact that you are referencing shingles in that way says to me that you have a great attitude about your unexpected “gift” and are taking it in stride despite the plans that have had to be cancelled and changed. Also, your reference to the “fast lane” and “changing lanes” and slowing down resonated with me. I guess the trick is learning how to do this for ourselves, and not have some external circumstance like shingles or something else do it for us??

      As far as the forgiveness you touched on at the end of your post and your enemy, ….., that’s a biggie. Forgiveness. So, so hard. I have had to pray a lot and request guidance from the Holy Spirit to lead me down the path to forgiveness and that has helped for forgiveness within my family.

      However, I am currently struggling with forgiveness for an enemy in my parish and just cannot bring myself to forgive him. I avoid parish events that I know he will be attending.

      1. Hi Andrew John,

        Catherine Doherty always referred to suffering as a gift & the Kiss of Christ. That came into my mind when I was diagnosed.

        The Someone who caused me a lot of pain in the community is still there . The Holy Spirit led me to pray for her and also to keep a distance.
        After over a year away I decided to change my status so I have no responsibilities and am free to participate in celebrations. I can look at her and wish her well and enjoy all my friends . She’s in God’s hands so I can go on my way and enjoy all the community has to offer.
        Now the (past director who was there when all this went down) wants to meet for a coffee. She wants to resume our friendship. Because of this (gift) of shingles I suggested we wait til after Christmas so I have between now and then to pray & gain wisdom. It’s not something I want participate in unless it only involves our lives and not the life of the community. I have time to ask Henri for guidance and I’m confident he’ll give it.
        It’s not easy dealing with someone who hates you but the Lord managed and He promised that He’d do greater things in us, so we can look to Him for help.
        GB
        Jo

        1. From Andrew John

          Jo:
          Thanks for sharing this as it is helping me with nearly an identical situation in my town in which we have two parishes two miles apart – one parish situated in the “well to do” part of town, the other – plop in the middle of the “down and out” part of town.
          I am a member of the latter but the two parishes do many joint things in adult faith formation.

          I need help with this but really have no one to go to because I have only lived here for 18 months. I have had 27 physical mailing addresses in my life so far:

          Hebrews 13:14 For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the one that is to come.

          We are all on pilgrimage. Its not easy entering a new parish with people who are members that were baptized here. The parish I was baptized in was razed many years ago.

          At our Men’s Faith Sharing, there is one member who is a theology professor at a nearby university and the facilitator of our faith sharing group basically turns the “faith sharing” floor over to that Professor whereby he proceeds to pontificate and lecture us on various aspects of the Second Vatican Council documents. Most in the room are from the “not too well to do” parish, have high school diplomas at most, and we are expected to sit there like bumps on a log and absorb his learning and wisdom. This is not faith sharing.

          I butt heads with him because I challenge him to drop his professorial persona and just be a regular man like the rest of us and share with us how he uses his faith or how his faith guides his everyday life. No one in this “faith sharing” group has been able to do this thus far. Most of the attendees have not even said one peep because we cannot get a word in edgewise or they feel intimidated by his “learned-ness”. This does not help others find their own voices.

          This is unresolved and my attempts to work with the leader of this group have gone no where, so, I no longer attend although the leader makes overtures for me to return to the group. I will not return to the group until I am confident that a better set of ground rules are established for all to participate. When I have sat down with the group facilitator, its a situation, again, where he does all the talking, and I listen. I never get a turn to voice my concerns.

          What I liked about your most recent post is the TIME and DISTANCE that your gift has given you to pray and wait for answers about your circumstance. That process seems to be gone in our lives today because of the hurry and busyness and this stepping back that you are describing and letting things unfold is like waiting on God to do his part too. We have our part to do and He has his part to do.

          Last month, I did return to the group in a way, but, not fully. We always meet the First Saturday of the month at 7:30 AM and say the Rosary before the 8AM Mass. Then, after Mass, we go to the parish center for coffee, donuts and “faith sharing” i.e. PONTIFICATION by Dr. Theology Professor while the rest of us are supposed to sit and listen in rapture and awe.

          So, I returned for devotion, but I did not sit with the Men’s Group in the Church but on the other side of the center aisle with other parishioners. I waved to and greeted everyone, they knew I was there, I said the Rosary with everybody, but I separated myself from the group and went home after Mass. I did not go the faux “faith sharing” after Mass.

          I feel that this is setting a boundary. I can choose what is best for me at each moment with the guidance of the Holy Spirit after prayer and meditation.

          1. Hi Andrew John,

            I’m overjoyed that you made a move albeit only across the aisle. It’s making a statement.
            For some reason a story about a priest in South America comes to mind. Many of the catholics were leaving the Church (I’m not implying that’s what you’re doing) and things continued the same until 1 priest decided to look into ‘why’ they were leaving. He discovered the preaching in the protestant organization was much more alive than his or for that matter, his associate priests, and he decided to do something about it. He learned a new way to preach invoking the aid of the Holy Spirit and spending a lot of time in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament. His parishoners returned bringing with them other catholics who had left years previously. The Church was bursting at the seams. Sometime we need to make a statement otherwise nothing improves. Good on you!
            Jo

    2. Gosh, Jo, I hope your shingles abates; I know that can be extremely miserable. I’m glad you are trying to focus on a peaceful response rather than fighting it, which is usually what I do at first. I eventually can come to acceptance and look for benefits, as I did last summer when I ended up on my back for weeks. It most definitely took me more than 2 days!!!

      I hear you about enemies. It’s so hard when they seem repentant and unappreciative of the effort you’re making to forgive. When my husband and I divorced, I resolved I was not going to become vindictive or carry anger because I at least realized doing so would harm me more than him. He was oblivious. He wasn’t an intuitive person and I’m sure he didn’t realize how much he would upset me when I encountered him with OUR friends and so on. The only thing that seemed to help was, when those feeling arose, would be to cry to God, “Help me to forgive; I can’t do this on my own.” At first it took me a while to remember to do that and I would wallow in anger from being a victim, but as time went on and I kept trying, reminding myself that I didn’t want to be an angry person no matter how much “right” I had to be one, I would remember to call on God sooner when the feeling arose. It took a couple of years, but one day I realized that contacts with him or with mutual friends no longer brought intense pain OR surges of anger. I was finally able to again see all his good qualities and to pray for him, sincerely asking that he find happiness and that the Lord would bless him. He, of course, was oblivious to that, too, but we eventually were able to return to the friendship we had before we married. I have used what I have learned from that experience ever since then whenever I’m involved in conflict. This is not to say that I do it immediately, but eventually I realize I have let anger invade my heart and will throw myself – and my burden – onto God’s broad shoulders and beg him to help me empty my heart of the unnatural stuff I have allowed to invade his sanctuary.

      1. Cel and everyone on this Advent journey,
        Looking ahead to the readings we will start tomorrow, Henri points out how resentment can become a destructive force in our lives. The experience you describe shows how you countered that natural tendency–an example to us all.
        It will be another great week of discussion. Thanks to each of you for joining in.
        Peace and all good.
        Ray

  8. Some advent humor?

    Not to be a wise guy and in any way denigrate our sharing, reading and insights, but, an old joke came to me as I was reading and re-reading the posts and reflecting on the “enemies” portion of our reading:

    = -= -= – = -= ——————= = = =

    Joe: ” I was thinking about having an “enemies” party next month…”

    Harry: “That’s an interesting idea, what exactly were you thinking?”

    Joe: “I’m not exactly sure, but, right now, I’m thinking the house is too small.”

    bada boom, bada bing….. 🙂

  9. “’An enemy is someone we have defined as being against us, in contrast to those who are for us.’ I see the emphasis here is on how we define the other. If we demonize any other person who does not share our faith, our views, our culture…we make them enemies. There are more things we have in common than things that make us different. The challenge lies in looking with our Third Eye (per Richard Rohr in “Naked Now”) to get a new perspective. Looking for the image of God in another is a gift given and one I need to pray for daily. We take small steps together sharing our gifts and moving closer to the Light of His love.

  10. So much of the other contributors’ experience echos with mine. I am an introvert and a dozen years ago when my children left home and my marriage ended I thought I would live a solitary life. But God had other ideas! Currently I am sharing my home with two teenaged lads under the YMCA Open Door project for homeless or vulnerable young people. They have taught me SO much. Why would a boy staying in this comfortable area of town feel the need to sleep with a baseball bat beside his bed? Because he has never felt safe in his entire life…. Henri’s Homecoming book has helped me think about the ways in which we make room in our hearts and homes for others – in my case it involves relinquishing all idea of “improving” others (for which, read “making them more like me and my friends”) and instead filling my house with junk food and junk TV.

  11. Noticing God at work in others is, often for me , when God gives me a gentle nudge or a “kind” mirror reflecting back that I do not travel alone and need community.
    So here in the early morning I opened up to read this community’s posts. I felt the nudge and saw a gentle reflection .
    From Mary A “Solitude helps me to take the time to understand how very much God loves me, how much I have to be grateful for in my life” and from Ray “Your calling to evangelize may well be to reflect, write, and bring others together in that way. May you see you call and follow it faithfully. And keep writing.”

    Noticing God in all things only comes for me with lots of daily practice and the creation of a sanctuary space to “just be”. This as an extrovert I have found difficult but after the solitude I am so much more creative and observant in ordinary things.I can behin to leave my ME behind .This group is helping together with Krista Tippett’s weekly On being programme http://onbeing.org/ ,the companionship of an understanding husband ,thoughtful friends and neighbours .It is when we come alongside each other listen to the impact of our culture and care with simple actions of thoughtfulness and kindness that I notice we are all his Beloved.

    Our culture of “busyness” has distracted me in the past and now I am aware how important it is to be still and sit at the feet of Jesus and listen first.

    I also, at nearly 70, marvel at the opportunities of modern technology to communicate and share. God is a patient Father- slowly he builds our awareness of His presence in us. I am currently at a threshold invited to use reflection and communication not only to embrace my own ageing but also to make new beginnings as I continue my lay ministry training. Here at present I am waiting and seeing where God has plans for me. Life is full of wonder. Noticing His presence in all things our fears, anger, vulnerabilities, struggles, joys peace, patience and kindness are signposts to his Grace. In them are opportunities for small steps together sharing our gifts and moving closer to the Light of His love. Thank you ALL

  12. I just love Henri’s description of how we make enemies and keep them going in our mind. The reason I like this idea is because it matches with some of the interpersonal reading I’ve been doing specifically about the principle of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There are others on the blog that can probably explain it better than I can but the principle of cognitive behavioral therapy is to use your intellect to change your feelings. Praying for our enemies is a very basic concept of Christianity but it’s funny how easy it is to forget to do. I intend to resume praying for some dysfunctional members of our family and to do some simple acts of service for them. P. 36 “emotions should not decide what we do. Instead let our knowledge of God’s love direct us:

    I found the chapter entitled The Cost to be a quite complex in many ways. I really like the way Henri encourages us to bring our disappointments to a conscious level. Many of my concerns pale when compared with the cross of Christ. None the less, they must be dealt with before I can dismiss them. P. 43 “The great invitation of the Christian life is to live a life connected with the son of God, who died for us, and who wants to give us his burden, which is light because God has carried it for us.”

  13. The consolations, revelations, even the desolations that I’ve experienced during times of solitude, have been such blessings…evoking feelings of such gratitude…that I feel compelled to share them with others somehow.

    I’m still trying to sort how best to share these blessings. Evangelism (or at least my perception of what it entails) – as much as I know we’re called to it – is (so far) not a comfortable way for me. And yet, I feel I have been blessed with insights that many could easily apprehend and apply to their own circumstance. Along with the gift of a comfortable writing ability and a pretty strong familiarity with computers and the Internet, a personal blog seemed a reasonable outlet for me. I started one about a year ago.

    Our blog (the Lord’s and mine) doesn’t have many followers yet, but already people from all over the world have blessed me with their love and support and prayers – they aren’t large in number, but they are mighty in their blessings.

    God is thankfully letting the blog grow slowly. I’m still getting my bearings trying to determine how much time I can devote to it and when, how best to describe circumstances that, at times, can be intensely personal, how to demonstrate the broader lessons of my experience without too much or too little detail. It’s a work in progress. Me too.

    At this juncture (except for my husband with whom I share just about everything) my family and friends are unaware of the blog. My writing there helps me to grow and move along the spiritual path I’m on. And while I have shared numerous observations and thoughts with them that were born of my blog writing and my practice of God’s presence, I have not yet made my ‘real life’ friends and children aware of my virtual blog presence. The thought of doing so makes me feel just a bit too exposed.

    And yet, more and more, my life is beginning to feel bifurcated. I can sense in recent weeks a desire growing in the deepest parts of me to integrate my two personae and ‘be known’ to the closest people in my life.

    I guess I’d sum in up this way: Solitude helps me to take the time to understand how very much God loves me, how much I have to be grateful for in my life. As I do, I realize that everything I have, everything I’ve been given is from a source that is infinitely available to us all and which can only be fully realized and appreciated when all I that am and all that I have is shared with others.

    1. Mary,
      Thank you for this sharing. When you write,”I can sense in recent weeks a desire growing in the deepest parts of me to integrate my two personae and ‘be known’ to the closest people in my life,” it seem to me that you may be hearing the call from solitude to community that Henry so beautifully describes.

      As I see it, there are many ways to evangelize. I too find it difficult to just start a conversation with someone I don;’t already have a relationship with–even if it is someone from my parish or my workplace that I may recognize but not know. For me, serving as a Confirmation small group leader and in the parish adult faith formation program is a chance to share a part of my faith journey with others–and I think that is a type of evangelization. Another way that has become important to me is participating in these Henri Nouwen book discussions several times a year. Your calling to evangelize may well be to reflect, write, and bring others together in that way. May you see you call and follow it faithfully. And keep writing.
      Ray

    2. In reading your insightful, heartfelt, and articulate postings in this blog, I feel that your own blog must have much to offer a wider community. Keeping a blog as a spiritual journal is such an admirable and effective practice as we come to grips with the nature of our emotions, longings, imperfections, struggles, and small spiritual victories. Even if your blog entries serve these purposes for you alone, I am sure they help you in your relationships with the community. I sense the ripple effect is certainly in play for you. Still as a person who shares many of your feelings, I can’t help but think that others would benefit from participating in a blog like yours. I sense that you might share more in your own good time–and in God’s time. Thank you, Mary, for your contributions to this blog.

    3. To me, true evangelism comes from a heart overflowing with those experiences from solitude that you mention, so that we somehow have an essence of joy or serenity or something that is obvious and attractive to people who are searching for God. I have always resented someone approaching me demanding that I open my heart to God, but I have been moved to open to God by experiencing the presence of people who truly know him and live their lives in imitation of him.

  14. I got so much out of “Community” that I decided to reflect on it for a couple of days. I just read the other two chapters today. They had some good messages and I’ll reread them another time, but I still want to spend the week with “Community.” Advent is always a tough time for me because my sisters and their kids/grandkids have never wanted to keep in touch, my marriage was unpleasant and gave me no kids/grandkids so that I had a natural family. My godchildren are grown and gone and have no time or interest for keeping in touch even though they were my “family” the entire time they were growing. So at this time of year I deeply feel the lack in me of having no one for whom to get excited over finding gifts and planning celebrations. It seems like the only one I have is God but in my preoccupation with what I wish I had in earthly relationships, I have devalued my sense of closeness to and comfortableness with God. I liked the “Solitude” chapter but last week didn’t get that much out of it because I AM an introvert, I do value silence, seek silence, love to be alone – but at this time of year I don’t see that as a particular gift when I focus on the lack of family. Reading “Community” a couple of times on Sunday and again yesterday and today suddenly made sense of the “Solitude” chapter. I can see that concentrating on God’s message that I’m his Beloved is the only way I’ll experience communion. The lack of communion I’ve experienced in relationships is not my fault because I’m not doing something correctly or not proving I’m of worth; it’s because I’ve unconsciously been expecting another human being to tell me I’m the Beloved, and no one can. All we can do is say from our solitude to another’s solitude (p. 36), “I am the Beloved, you are the beloved. Together we can build a home.” Henri then goes on to say, “Sometimes we are close to each other, and that’s wonderful. Sometimes we don’t feel much love, and that’s hard. But we can be faithful. We can build a home together and create space for God and for the children of God.” By the message in these two chapters, I feel absolutely freed, like chains have dropped from my spirit. I feel I now have something to hang onto when I feel lonely, something that will give me a tool to combat that down feeling, not something that will make me feel a failure or not good enough, but a flag that will wave and catch my attention: remember you are the Beloved, acknowledge those feelings of loneliness then let them go as you focus on God’s message. From that experience of God’s love I will be able to forgive both myself and others for being the broken, hurting people we are. And I’ll bet anything that change in my attitude will open me to enter into some true community, possibly with people I’d never expect it with. If I get nothing else from this Advent study, I am deeply content and grateful.

    1. Wow, Cel – you did such job of summarizing that community chapter! My husband and I were talking about the disappointments we feel because of a certain very dysfufnctional family member. I have had the realization before but I had it again that it’s hard to remember this person is not normal. Well, compared to God, none of us are “normal.” So I think this is another way of saying what you summarized. I pray God will send you someone you can connect with spiritually.

      1. This is a difficult time of year for so many. In my family of origin, Christmas Eve was always a big time (extended) family get-together. This year, I will spend Christmas Eve with my father, mother and younger brother.

        My mother and father share a room in a nursing home, and, my younger brother is in a room 3 doors down the same corridor from Mom and Dad in that same nursing home.

        My sister and I will bring in food and gifts and we will be together in the nursing home, a far cry from the way things used to be.

        1. Andrew, my heart goes out to you. Your triple dose of sadness makes my mild melancholy during this season seem so superficial. I will be praying that the Lord surrounds your Christmas at the nursing home with incredible joy and peace.

      2. Thanks, Marianne, for your comments. I could use those prayers! The Benedictines leave forever next week. A friend and I are going out Saturday for one last Advent Vespers and taking a meal to share with them one last time. I’ve been asking God to please hurry in providing me with another person(s) with whom I can share faith discussions.

    2. Cel,

      Your story brought tears of joy, reminding me of a time when I read just the right words at just the right time. It felt like the brittle scales that had been covering my eyes and my heart just shattered and fell away, allowing me to see my way home. It was a time of such joy (albeit a time quietly celebrated in my heart and on my knees.)

      I’m celebrating with you in spirit and I pray this Advent time of watchful waiting continues to bless you and bring you joy.

      1. Thanks! Aren’t those breakthroughs fantastic, when suddenly you connect the dots and see the bigger picture to which you were previously blinded? I have such a feeling of peace at the moment; I’m reveling in it while it lasts. Thank you, Lord, and Henri!

  15. As often is the case in my life, God not only whispers in my ear…he sends me a neon sign! I am always blown away by the “coincidences” that make me aware of an important truth, increase my faith, comfort me and remind me of God’s grace. As you know, I’m recovering from surgery and yesterday my sister-in-law brought over some chicken soup (good medicine!) that she made for me. She stayed awhile and we chatted. This is an important person in my life, she is a kindred spirit and we have shared so much of our spiritual journeys with each other. Our conversation soon turned to the pain that we both feel in the fractured relationship we both have with another sister. We spoke about our struggles with being authentic around her and always feeling like we are walking on eggshells because you never know what is going to make her angry and lash out at us. My resentments towards her behavior began to surface and it hurt me to face them. It was clear to me that I have not forgiven her for her treatment of me. And then….I read a “Henri sentence” that blew me away: “Forgiveness is to allow the other person not to be God”. The conversation with my sister-in-law followed by this reading, was like a flashing neon sign to me. I am thankful once again for this surgery…it has brought me blessings that I couldn’t have imagined.
    Blessings….we are all wounded healers.

    1. Diane: I really appreciated your reference to a neon sign! 🙂 That made me smile. I am going to take the liberty of borrowing that visual from you. I have similar things happen but I refer to it as the old 2 by 4 board, hitting me up side the head to get my attention. me: “OK,Lord, you got my attention, I’m listening now”…. ugh…….. 🙂

  16. solitude calls us to community?
    Solitude leads us to community because we are to share what we receive. Live out what we receive. What we receive in prayer is not always just for us but to build up others also and as we verbally share it, or serve we are blessed because of this obedience. current community?
    My community is made up of various groups that originate with faith. I have been part of a women’s bible study and have the honor of serving with very amazing holy women. We have accountability partners that change so we get to know each one well on core.
    It has been interesting getting to know some- one on one- I am more tolerant and loving surprisingly.
    experiencing a time of loneliness?
    I am sometimes lonely in my marriage. He is a good man and we share our faith and many things. He had an injury a couple years ago and it has changed our lifestyle. He suffers with anxiety, depression and headaches. It is a loss for us both.
    deepen your current community or widen your community?
    We, my husband and I are considering helping with a ministry for serving couples because I believe in marriage but also know we all do a bit better with relationships if we are accountable to others who hold similar values.

  17. First I want to comment on question 2 and to “marry” this concept with another Henri Nouwen concept. Question 2 focusses on sharing and drawing out gifts in a very concrete way. The chapter on Solitude made clear that we are Beloved sons and daughters to Jesus just because we exist. Therefore, wouldn’t simpy sharing ourselves suffice as sharing a gift? I think of the many introverted people I know and people who have physical and mental difficulties who are in my “community” and I have to admit that at first, I didn’t even consider the gift they have to offer. In a church community, if all a person can do is get into a pew and be part of the community, didn’t they still bring a gift?
    Why does Solitude lead to Community? For me, as an extrovert, everything leads to community. 🙂 Physically, I don’t feel very well if I don’t get out and mingle with people to get my brain going. It’s very interesting to compare “notes” with my Introverted friends! When I spend enough time with Jesus and become thoroughly convinced that I am that beloved, it makes me want to share myself, my “gift” (which is the person God made me) with others. I also can play piano and I like to share that gift also with my church congregation.

    I really appreciated p.38 in “Living” where Henri writes, “Still, offering and receiving forgiveness is where community begins to be created.” This is true of well established comunities that we are a part of. This spoke to me as I know that I need to extend forgiveness to some people for not being who I wish they were.

    There are probably other perfectionists in the bunch and this is a real sticking point. As a nurse on my Cancer journey, it’s disappointing to accept the kind of nursing that some other nurses practice at times HOWEVER, I didn’t write the book on Nursing. Even though the gift others presented to me doesn’t look like the gift I’m expecting doesn’t mean it wasn’t a gift! And if I would open my eyes a bit more and have a more forgiving heart, there are pieces of others’ gift that I would actually see. (If there was an actual dangerous practice, that is another issue.)

    From last week, I appreciated the suggestion of another person’s (Gilly’s?) image that they view themselves as a little person sitting near the hem of Jesus’ garment. I’m more of a scientific than imaginative person so these images someone else’s gift to me.

    1. Marianne: Your comments about nursing and cancer resonated a great deal with me. I worked in oncology for a number of years in an area of the USA with many teaching hospitals and many oncologists – both bedside physicians and research physicians in labs as well. After working in this rigorous medical community for several years, I retired to my home state to care for elderly parents and a younger brother with cancer. I find myself comparing the standards of care here caring for my parents and brother with those sophisticated standards I came to take for granted from where I used to live. Also, the frustration level was building here for my own personal health care and I was railing against my new environs here so much that I had to finally make myself stop. I had to learn how to accept the way things are here and try not to use a yardstick from another place to measure things here. This has been a struggle for several months but now as I let go of that constant yardstick mentality, things get easier. I guess it boils down to the old Serenity Prayer: Grant me the courage to change the things I can, accept the things I cannot change and grant me wisdom to know one from the other.

  18. I’ve been thinking about how I may have applied Henri’s idea of praying for my “enemy” within the aspect of broken community. I found, too, this does lead to forgiveness. The idea that we can forgive others for not being able to love us unconditionally struck a nerve in me. I’m sure I’ve looked for that in the community of marriage and family.

    What came to mind for me was how I learned to pray for and forgive my ex-husband. Suffice it to say I held much anger and resentment and ill will in my heart for years after we divorced. I interpreted the enemy in Henri’s statement that,”The enemy is an internal presence…something very intimate.” as those feelings of anger and resentment and ill will I carried around with me for those years. Even when I came to the point of not dwelling consciously on the ill feelings, they were still there quietly dwelling in that “inward place.”

    As I mentioned in an earlier post, about 6 years ago, my youngest son died suddenly at the age of 31. Through that painful and grief-filled time I did at last understand how useless and wasteful carrying ill feelings was. I knew that my ex-husband was as devastated and as wounded as I was at our son’s death, and all those old feelings of anger just seemed to no longer matter in the least.

    In the years after my sons death, I turned to God as I never had before. I prayed as I hadn’t prayed in many years. I learned to pray in silence and solitude. I began to feel my heart soften as it were as I let God’s love work in me and heal some of the wounds I was carrying.

    It wasn’t something that I intended, but after a long period of regular prayer and silence, I began to feel the need to hold up my ex-husband in prayer. Though at that point I no longer felt the ill feelings in regard to my ex-husband, I had never prayed for him. It’s hard to explain, but in lifting him up to God I healed my own heart. Any old vestiges of hurt that I thought were long gone were truly lifted.

    I suppose I could say that accepting the love of God helped me release the residue of old hatred that had taken up internal residence. In that sense I was freed of the power that treating my ex-husband as an enemy had held over my heart. I also realized how insidious anger and ill will had been in my heart.

    I can’t say I always now, automatically pray for someone I perceive as an “enemy.” But it does seems to work that the more I pray in solitude, the more I become aware of any ill will I may be harboring toward anyone. Then I realize it is time to pray for that person I have somehow labeled, “enemy. ” It is then that I begin to see that person as not all that different from me. This doesn’t mean I will suddenly become fast friends with that person, but I will no longer think of that individual as an “enemy.” I suppose as well, in that way, I am learning to take small steps away from me towards the Lord…one step at a time.

    1. Christine, I wanted to let you know that I answered your question about children reading to therapy dogs as a reply in last week’s posts. Don’t know if you have seen it or not.

      1. Yes, Cel, I did read your response and I thank you for taking the time to give such a thorough explanation of the children reading to dogs therapy program. The reading improvements and healing that occurs for these children who experience being simply listened to without the layers of human judgment and expectation is really quite amazing.

        It occurred to me that the children and the dogs are perfect examples of calling forth the gifts from each other. Henri wrote about Janet and Nathan loving and accepting him for who he was rather than for what he did. He realized his writing and teaching talents weren’t his real gifts. He himself was gift as Janet and Nathan and others in the community were gifts — to each other.

        It seems to me the dogs and children provide that giftedness and acceptance to each other as well. The dogs are present, not as doers of tricks or specialized talents, but simply as being the loving creatures God created them to be. The children are accepted as who they are in those moments as well, reading at the level they are able to read, not attempting to impress their listeners. They are simply reading at their level and being heard as who they are.

        The lesson, then, for me is to be who I am in the moment and to accept others as who they are in that same moment. In this way I am offering the gift of my self and receiving the gift of self from others.

        1. Christine, you are so right! I’ve learned a lot about trust, honesty, being totally present to someone and living in the moment from my dogs, and forgiveness and courage to love again from rescue and shelter dogs. Often they have made me realize that my true self has been buried by worrying about what others think and that I have not listened to someone because I was too busy formulating my response (or even worse, rebuttal). My first volunteer project, in 1980, in my parish of 34 years was to prepare a severely challenged teenaged girl who couldn’t even speak, for her First Communion. It was a humbling experience as I realized here was a totally sinless human being who, even though she could not talk, could communicate to me her deep love for God. She so desired to receive the Eucharist that she had pestered her parents at Mass to be able to receive Communion to the extent they approached the religious ed director and asked what could be done. Her joy at her First Communion brought tears to everyone involved and to the parish members at Mass, and we continued to marvel and be inspired by her absolute devotion each Sunday as she hobbled to the altar and then back to her pew with glory on her face. I was a highly educated professional teacher and I was humbled to the core by that experience. I’m sure that is what made me so open to Henri’s writings, especially once he became involved with L’Arche. I had forgotten that experience until I read your comment. Thanks for bringing back that incredible memory and experience of faith.

    2. Christine, Your post is a moving testament to how the Holy Spirit can change our hearts and minds. When we are so profoundly changed, I have to believe it is through Divine intervention because I don’t think it is inherent in our human nature. What I read is that you no longer saw, or defined your ex-husband, in relationship to yourself . And when this occurred you were able to see him as a person who was also experiencing deep grief and sorrow. Compassion and understanding uprooted the anger. Thank you for sharing.

      1. Christine: such a wonderful post….

        Also, five years ago, a tiny 6 week puppy walked up to me. The owner had had a litter and he could not keep this puppy. He asked me to take it and initially I refused because it was such a wonderful spirit I thought it should stay with him. After spending a half hour with them, I relented. She is at my side as I write to you now. I was never permitted to have a dog as a child and the sheer joy she brings to me and so many other people as we go about together I could never have imagined the day she picked me.

  19. Our prompt for reflection this week includes the following: Henri writes, “’An enemy is someone we have defined as being against us, in contrast to those who are for us.’ Therefore, to live in community–any community, a church, a school or workplace, even a family–is to have “enemies” at times. And how are we to live with our enemies?”

    In the Catholic Church we celebrate today the feast of the Immaculate Conception. As I reflect on the above prompt, I wonder how the Blessed Mother found the strength to live with and to love the enemies of Jesus. How could she stand at the foot of the cross witnessing the death of her dear boy–her innocent boy who had done nothing but bring good to the world? How could she forgive the members of her own community who had shouted for her son’s death? How did she frame her prayer at that time?

    When I was a child, I used to think that Mary’s freedom from original sin made life easier for her. And then I saw the statue of the Pieta. How does a mother go on after the death of a son let alone deal with the image of the broken, tortured body of the person she loved most in the world?

    Most images of Mary are gentle and, well, maternal: Mary at the creche, Mary holding the baby. But, my, she must have been a woman of iron resolve, fierce in her belief in a God who knows best and will mend all brokenness in good time. I pray that we can take our inspiration on forgiveness from her.

    1. Elaine: Yes, yesterday was a good day for me for Marian devotion. I was reading a little bit about Mary, Joseph and Jesus going to the Temple. In the Rosary, this is referred to as “The Presentation at the Temple”. One thing that I learned in my reading that I did not know before was that when they arrived at the Temple, they would go a bathing area on the grounds of the temple, bathe, remove the clothing they had worn on the trip to the Temple and then put on clean, fresh clothing before they could enter the Temple.

      Simeon responds to the Holy Family and says he has lived long enough now to see the Messiah. He then tells Mary that a sword will pierce her soul. I meditated on that image, on that interaction between Mary and Simeon. Mary is a new mother. She goes to the Temple and an elder, senior Jew who she would naturally have honor and respect for tells her that her soul will be pierced with a sword. How must Mary have felt at the moment she heard those words? Because of Jesus (at this point a little baby) a sword will pierce her soul. Scripture does not tell us how she may have reacted to those words but your post touched me in that she had to have some incredible fortitude and strength not just during the Passion, but from the get-go…..even when Jesus is 40 days old it (heartache) has started. Then, he is a little older and they lose Jesus and Find him in the Temple! Geeze! The saga continues. The heart Our Lady had is difficult to wrap my mind around. That I could have just 1/100th of the heart she had could be my Advent prayer.

  20. Solitude, communion with and within the Relationship at the Center, instills in us a desire to seek similar communion (community) in the world. My own community consists of my immediate and extended family, and in addition to that a diverse wider community of people that God seems to have brought into my life, including those I offer mutual soul care to. To do so requires humility, forgiveness, and ultimately celebration together.

    The challenge and cost then is to embrace our own crosses and in them also our “enemies” in the strength and love of Christ. Often we will recognize that we do indeed have “enemies” (those not for us in some way) even within our community(ies). The challenge and cost is involved in initiating personal effort to love others while also embracing our own burdens and shortcomings, once again in the Grace, strength and love of Christ.

    Personally, I am seeking, gently and slowly, to reconcile with someone who was once a trusted friend and Brother. I live with this “toothache” daily and know the Lord desires reconciliation, even if the Relationship is never what it once was . . . with us men not possible, but with God, possible. };-)

  21. One of the things I love about Henri was his candor and openess about his own struggles and his thoughts on the way Our Lord would lead him, to overcome them. Henri being such a geniune and sincere person is why his Spiritual insights and lessons are so Wonderful. Why his books are clearly Holy Spirit inspired, and Jesus wisdom that is Spiritual gold.
    Henri’s books were not mere pontifications and talking down to the rest of us who struggle to be better Christians in our daily walk.
    Henri’s discussions about forgiveness and learning to gather in community with those who would hurt you and come against you has been a Rich Spiritual Gift for me. I have learned to do good no matter what and then offer it up to Jesus and not worry so much if it is appreciated, or returned to me, knowing that Jesus in the only one who can really love me Perfectly, I do not look for it in any one person now.
    That said, I have a wonderful loving husband and 2 wonderful sons who give me my love and community. Experiencing community to them is easy.
    But to the larger community like neighbors, and random people one meets, I feel as a Christian, I still must give to them too. Now I can better do it when I am not so concerned about their “adequate or not ” responses to me saying Yes to their requests and demands. Rather I can do it with Love, and compassion, and take my hurts and dissapointments to Jesus to heal and I can go on forgiving and be free to give mercy and thus be more Joyful myself. Henri has helped to free me from focusing on how others my be unkind. Rather, I can better focus on Jesus, and how I will take up my cross and serve Jesus by serving others no matter what. It has truly made me a much more Joyful person and has helped me to little by little expand my “Community”.

    1. Twyla, I think you are right on with your comments regarding not being concerned with the response of others, but instead, concerned about how you are conducting yourself vis-à-vis the other person. What is important is how we respond to others, and that we not let others control our own behavior.

      You remind me of a fellow that I worked with several years ago. The nature of the business was such that our relationship was adversarial in nature. Whenever we had a matter together, he was always rather impolite and unkind. That being said, I was always kind to him, and polite, showing him respect. Needless to say, it was a one way street. Only to my amazement after several years he called me, and was rather nice, and asked me for some help on something, which of course I agreed to do. That being said, it was a good example of where we model the appropriate behavior, the other person eventually responds in a positive fashion. But again, as you point out, what is important is our own behavior and how we choose to treat others, and not the response of the other person.

      1. Jesus’ word in Luke 6:31 was very helpful for me when I was healed from depression. You see, I never felt the love of my father. In fact, I believed I was the problem in our relationship. This caused a depression in me that began when I was a child. I finally sought counseling, and my counselor and I discussed this verse in one of our sessions. I remember making a huge breakthrough when I understood that in order to be free of the depression I had to give to the Lord my father’s inability to love me. And, “do to others (my father) as I would have him do to me.” (Personalized)

        When I received the grace to understand this verse in my own personal circumstances, I was freely able to give my hurts to Jesus and be free of the crippling pain I felt, even as an adult, as a result of my father’s inability to love me the way I wanted to be loved.

        It truly is about how we show our love to others without the expectation of being loved in return. The love of our Savior for us must be enough!

  22. One of the questions this week was directed toward our enemies, and how we are directed to love our enemies, as difficult as that may be to accomplish. I was reading last night in “The Challenge” and was struck by one of Henri Nouwen’s statements that read “[w]hen I say to another person, ‘I love you,’ it means that meeting that person brings me in touch with the God I am dwelling with in the home of my heart.” I instantly made a connection. I just finished teaching an RCIA class this week on Advent and Christmas. I approached it a bit differently this time, and I examined the three Masses on Christmas, i.e., Midnight Mass, Mass at Dawn, and the Mass on Christmas Day. I discussed going from the dark, to the dawn (beginning to see the light), and to the light.

    For the Mass on Christmas Day we looked at the Gospel reading when it comes from the first Chapter of John. One thing that came out of all that was the idea of The Word, and that the Word is eternal. Further, we examined the notion that you cannot separate the Creator from Creation. They are one and inseparable. When you let the light enter, and you come into the light, you understand that idea. When in the dark, we still see the Creator as separate and apart from the Creation. As John says, and I paraphrase, “the dark cannot comprehend the light.”

    Now, loving your enemies, particularly the way Henri Nouwen describes it, suddenly makes sense. We must love our enemies because they too are part of Creation, and as such, the Creator dwells in them as the Creator dwells in all of Creation. This is the Holy Spirit. To love our enemies is to love God. They are part of his Creation, and he is a part of them just as he is a part of us.

    Of course that can be a challenge (hence, the title of this chapter!), after all, we are only human. But I thought Henri Nouwen gave some fantastic advice when he suggested that we perform simple acts of service for the other person. That is certainly an easy way to get started, non-confrontational, and it will make the other person take notice. Thanks for helping me tie all this together!

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