TWH Week 4: Chapter 3 (June 18th - 24th)
Reading: Chapter 3 - Ministry to a Hopeless Man
Once again we have some very real and challenging thoughts to ponder. In this chapter we will consider how can we minister to the heart of another - one to one.
1) Henri suggests that more and more people find themselves in a very impersonal milieu. They are burdened by life, and some feel they have no hope of receiving God's forgiveness. Naturally, many fear death, but more and more people also fear life.
a) Does this description sound familiar to you? Do you see the way many people fear life? What is it they fear?
b) Can you see the way our society is becoming more and more impersonal? Have you ever found yourself in a place where you felt that you were one among many, and didn't matter much?
c) Finally, and most potently, what would it be like to believe in God, but feel that somehow you are beyond the reach of His grace and forgiveness?
In section three of this chapter we have the chance to consider how we can minister to the many men and woman, young and old, living in this place. Most basically, Henri reminds us that it is through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ that each and every one of us is invited to life in abundance. By caring for others the way Christ did, we share this hope with the heart of another.
2) Expressing true and personal concern for another, as Christ did, is the first way we can minister to another.
a) Ultimately Christ gave his life for us, and Henri suggests that the Christian leader should have it in his/her mind to do the same. "The beginning and end of all Christian leadership is to give your life for others" (p77). This is a powerful call - what do you think it means? What does it not mean?
b) Surely we cannot give our life for all people at all times, so how can we develop the wisdom to know when and for whom to offer our all?
c) What are some less, but still potent, ways of offering personal concern for the many people that cross our path each day?
d) Can you share a story of when someone offered you true and personal concern? How did it change you?
3) Secondly, Henri calls us to maintain our faith in the value and meaning of life.
a) What in our society tends to bring down the value and meaning of life?
b) How did Christ demonstrate how much he valued each and every life?
c) In what ways can we as Christian leaders begin to go against the tide, and affirm the value of life, both in our own minds and in our communities?
4) Finally, we see that "the deepest motivation for leading our fellow human beings to the future is hope" (p81).
a) What does it mean to have hope?
b) On what can we base our hope?
c) How can living by hope be both frightening and deeply energizing?
June 18th, 2012 at 9:40 am
All of these questions lead us to a realization and an action. Henri said that, “The Messiah is sitting among the poor, binding his wounds one at a time waiting for the moment when he will be needed.” Life equips us to participate, to be in communion with others. Like Christ, we are wounded by the experiences of life, therefore we have within our grasp the ability and opportunity to empathize with others as equals, not as superiors, but as fellow travelers on the road of life. We can offer the healing love of Christ via hospitality, being available to actively share the pains and joys of life. As we minister to others, others minister to us. We become one in the body of Christ.
June 18th, 2012 at 7:55 pm
I have a quick (true) story to share even though I haven’t read the chapter yet. dianne asked last week about “is it even possible to see the face of the Messiah in those we are to love?” Or something like that - hope I didn’t mix up your statement too bad, dianne. I am a nurse and I used to work in an ICU. One day for a patient assignment, I recieved an inmate from a Federal Penitentiary who had taken an overdose of medication in order to kill himself. He had written on the wall of his cell, “Do not resuscitate” in feces. Hmmmm. The reason he was incarcerated was because he was a pedophile who had left minimum security prison to recommit more of the same. He was on life support and sedated so he couldn’t talk, and was basically comatose. The huge crisis of faith for me came when I had to care for his physical needs - bathing him, and taking care of him. Many of the nurses thought he should just rot - and they said so. I was able to care for him the first day as Christ would have, only because I knew that is what Christ would have me to do. I will admit, I was unable to care very well for him the second day as the thought of who he was and everything he had done which was in the news overwhelmed me. I wish I had strong enough faith to love him as Christ does but I did not. Sometimes when I had to give hands-on care to people who were not very nice, I would think about how our Lord washed the feet even of Judas knowing he was going to be the worst kind of friend. This helped me complete my duties.
June 19th, 2012 at 1:31 pm
In response question 1b:
Back in 1980 i became very disillusioned in the church I was attending. I decided not to go back to that church and started attending another shortly afterward. I was involved with a group of Christians at the former church and no one from that group ever called me to find out what happened to me. I guess I didn’t matter much to them. If someone in your group of Christians you hang out with quits coming, at least give them one call to find out what happened. It means so much to feel like you do matter to someone.
June 19th, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Response to question 2a:
From my way of looking at Christian leadership based on Eph 4 is to equip all Christians to carry out the role of ministry not just the leader. Part of that leadership is to show us that we are all broken and wounded in some way. Another aspect of Christian leadership is to teach us how to spiritually connect with one another and engage in soul talk where we can help heal each other’s wounds - heal in a way that we will be enabled to release the good acts that have been placed in our lives by God. I will get into what I mean by spiritual connecting, soul talk and self talk in another post.
June 19th, 2012 at 2:51 pm
WOW MARIANNE, Thank you! I have to admit that you are a much better person than me. I could see myself losing my job (and soul at the same time). I appreciate that sharing to show that it is possible to “hate the sin but still do good to the sinner”…… I was going to say (love the sinner), but felt that could be overstating and it might upset you — but you did! I’m sure for how you were that first day, at your life’s end you will hear, “you are my beloved daughter in whom I am very well pleased”.
I continue to pray - Lord, please give me a heart like thine or I won’t be hearing such.
June 19th, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Rose, regarding your comment “hate the sin but still do good to the sinner …I was going to say (love the sinner), but felt that could be overstating…” I found this interesting. I believe that the Holy Spirit enabled Marianne to care for her patient just as Jesus would have done, despicable though the patient was. As far as “loving” such a person is concerned, love is not an emotion, it is a choice. So by choosing to care for her patient as Jesus would have done, Marianne did in fact, show love even if she did not feel the emotion of love. Only through the Spirit’s help have I been able to truly forgive and ‘love’ people who have wronged me in hurtful ways.
June 20th, 2012 at 6:34 am
New Zealand’s Chief Justice, Dame Sian Elias, gave an address to a Women in Law group in which she asked “What turns ‘blameless babes’ (as all criminals once were) into the stuff of nightmares?”
At the heart of compassion and love is an understanding of human frailty and the way the great chain of trauma and abuse in human affairs impacts individuals so often, at least in the first instance, undeservedly. We live in a disordered world. So many of those in prison who have committed atrocious acts, were as young children the victims of similar atrocious acts. We have a number of cases of that in N.Z. in recent years where the evidence in Court has shown a young offender’s background to have been unbelievably abusive. That is where the cruelty and lack of empathy for others was taught.
I think this is one way life becomes impersonal. We no longer make the linkages between cause and effect that we would have done when we lived in villages or communities where everyone knew everyone else. We have quite a shallow perception of others because of this. We do not know them. We only know about them and that usually not from their own hearts and mouths.
I recall a time when I felt one among many and that I didn’t matter much. My brother was suddenly admitted to hospital with suspected cancer. (He had neglected symptoms and we had not seen him for several months before his sudden crisis.) This was at a time of great cuts in our public system. He was given pain relief and a preliminary diagnosis and discharged. He called me the following day in terrible, terrible pain and I went back to the hospital to get him re-admitted. They were full and said no. I told them (as anyone with eyes could see) “My brother is dying.” “Very possibly,” replied the nurse with great coldness and anger at my insistence on help. Well, eventually I won the day and my brother died within four very hectic weeks, the last of which he spent in a hospice. At least I got his pain managed for him. Care at home in his circumstances would not have been possible.
For a long while I felt bitter and angry at what our health system had become. I had always felt my country which once had a really comprehensive welfare system, would provide decent care… I mean my brother was dying… he was in so much pain. How could anyone ignore it?
But that is the state of our great world. So many people hurt and wounded, some of them striking back and hurting others, some like Henri Nouwen’s patient, lost and without hope in the face of the great emptiness and meaninglessness his life had become.
I think most people find God in others - the Indwelling Christ - so when our communities betray us, or don’t seem to care for us, we find it hard to understand that God himself has not betrayed us. For many, many people God has to be first received “with skin on”. That was why Christ came. And that is why we are called to follow his example. He has no other hands but ours, as the song goes.
June 20th, 2012 at 3:38 pm
For so many years I extended grace freely to others. Their mistakes, poor choices, sin –they were all understandable and part of being human. I could be kind, gentle and patient with friends and even total strangers. They had difficulties; they were misunderstood in life. But when I fell short in the very same manner I was harsh, impatient, and cruel towards myself. Thoughts like, “You are so incompetent, so dumb, ohhh sooo stupid! What is wrong with you! You know better!, You were taught better than that!” My mistakes, failures, shortcomings, sin –they were unacceptable. I’d beat my self down with these thought for days. Others were only human. But who did I think I was? God?
At age 50 I received a new insight. This way of thinking –setting myself apart from others, having a different standard for my self-was self righteous. Why should I be able to act better, act more consistently, be more noble than other people? Why should I be an example to others? Was I not in need of the same grace that other people needed and received? These very thoughts –“I am alone, I am separate, I do not fit or belong.” These ideas separated me from others; they broke down community and they destroyed hope.
I was so tired of trying to make life work and feeling like my life was so out of sync, that I welcomed the end of life-death- as the only viable release from life’s heavy burdens. I was not suicidal per say just ready for the hard labor of the days to draw to an end.
2. I have been a meddler for many years I could tell you what you should do, all the while I am ignoring what I should do to live my own life well. I am finding my balance in learning to live my own life well. The people who are in my circle of influence express at times that they are blessed by my presence. I have ceased to feel like I am their solution. I am finding my solution in the peace that passes understanding and as I live out this peace others are noticing a more anchored and balanced life.
When my life was out of sync, I tried so hard and succeeded so seldom to make a difference. At that time a women struggled with me to find the misfit in my life. I frequently put my own tasks and issues on the back burner and tended to other peoples issues. I was trying to sacrifice my life to save others. I was trying to do God redeeming work. I had pretended to be self righteous and offer my life up as a martyr. I deemed myself to need to be more able, more patient, more loving than other people. 10 heard my confession “I have pretended to be a judgmental, self righteous martyr but I am really gifted to be a kind and welcoming person who is filled with grace towards my own deficiencies.” And I started to live graciously towards my own humanity.
3 Being impersonal, being in a hurry, not being present in this moment and place, being dissatisfied with my journey, all decrease the meaning of my life. Christ spent his life giving thanks no matter what the situation. Some how each person’s story is uniquely interesting and it is amazing how one life weaves together with all the people who cross paths with them. All these lives paint an authentic, deep, and rich picture together. A loss reveals what was treasured. Being down in the pit makes public one’s true friends. Suffering creates understanding.
What does it mean to have hope? What does it mean to have faith? Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” What do I hope for? What do I want on the deepest level of my being? I want to belong, I want to be present, I want to live my life well. So based on Hebrews 11 faith is being sure that I belong here and that I can be present in this very moment of my life, right here where I am and I can live my life well. And when I falter I am covered by grace.
I can reflect this message that has given me hope and joy. I can sit along side another soul and express, “You are welcome in your own life. You fit, you belong right here where you are. Your life can touch others and bless them and you can live your life well until it ends and beyond.”
June 20th, 2012 at 6:11 pm
“I was going to say (love the sinner), but felt that could be overstating and it might upset you — but you did!”
Linda, I think you missed the VERY IMPORTANT “but you did!” at the end of the sentence. Yes, I obviously did see how she loved in this difficult situation the way Jesus would have.
When I was quoted - the last three imporant words “but you did!” were left out. I was just trying to be pastorally sensitive not to put words into Marianne’s mouth due to other experiences.
I already typed this and it disappeared and prayed if I should enter again and felt that I should. Also, I stated that for me in that situation (at this time), I would have been unable to do it — that is all. We all come from a very different place.
Peace.
June 20th, 2012 at 9:58 pm
Elaine, I think you found the essence of this chapter when you said “[a]nd that is why we are called to follow his [Jesus’] example. Jesus made sure that he was simply present in the moment, and I think that is what Henri Nouwen was saying, that we need to be present in the moment, not fulfilling our agenda, but being empathetic and sensitive to the other person. John Allen in the conversation in this chapter came into the situation with an agenda, and attempting to fill his agenda. Afterwards, he realized it was not about him.
Addressing the first point, it seems more people fear life now than death. My step-daughter is a good example. She is 32 years old, and just got her nursing degree. She constantly fears tomorrow and what it will bring. I don’t know if this is a symptom of our modern society, what we have created in our children who are now adults, or just what, but folks seem to be most fearful today of their day to day existence, which in a sense does make society more impersonal. Many people as her I think do feel beyond the reach of God, that they get caught up in their day to day existence, and He is no longer present, even though they long for him.
That being said, Nouwen seems to say that we need to be present for the other person, not for us, that in so doing we are being a witness to Christ, and that is true martyrdom. Just some thoughts.
June 20th, 2012 at 10:43 pm
Such great thoughts and insights from everyone - thank you!
I’m wondering if a lot of people are having trouble submitting their comments? ie… the comment you write gets wiped out at the last minute (extremely frustrating). I know Maureen would like to change a few things about the set up of the blog, but it hasn’t been possible as of yet. One thing you can do, is to type the comment in Word first. Then just copy and past it here when you are ready to submit it. Or, similarly, type it here, but “copy” it before pressing submit. Also, be sure to always include your email address… your comment won’t be accepted if there is no email address. If it relates to the code, it may be the amount of time you take before submitting it. Again, writing it in Word will allow you to take all the time you need. Sorry for any frustration you’ve experienced due to the logistics of the format! Feedback welcome.
I’m looking forward the comments yet to be shared with week!
Brynn
June 21st, 2012 at 10:25 am
This is in response to Dr Connie’s wanting to know what I meant by self-talk and soul-talk.
I would like to answer Connie’s question by sharing an e-mail I sent to the facilitator of a grief support group I have been attending:
Thanks for your words of encouragement in regards to the articles I write. I have a long history of self doubt. The road to becoming a loaner at an early age enabled me to train my mind academically speaking. Whatever I take an interest in I am able to focus this acquired ability to grasp a full understanding to eliminate self doubt. God has used this natural ability to help me understand the Christian faith on a deep spiritual level. I seem to have the ability to articulate what I learn as the Holy Spirit guides me to spiritual truth in my writing. When I try to express what I understand verbally my deeply ingrained insecurity gets in the way.
I fully accept the fact that I have deep wounds from my peers at an early age and spiritual wounds from Christian acquaintances who I felt ignored by. After reading the book ‘The Wounded Healer’ by Henri Nouwen in 1998 I have the desire to be wounded healer. That’s what motivates me to write what I write.
This past year in the midst of the loss of my mother the Holy Spirit has enabled me to better understand what it means to be a Christian in relationship to the fallen state we are born into. Part of this has been realized through the spiritual reading that I do first thing every morning and the sharing that goes on in the grief share group. Their stories put validity on what I have learned. This past fall I encountered something that caused me to concentrate on the book ‘Connecting’ by Larry Crabb .
To me the key things in this book that stand out are the way we naturally respond apart from God to this fallen world (self-talk). They are:
1. “City building” a commitment to adequacy based on the story of Cain who instead of asking for God’s forgiveness chose to build a city to feel adequate in his self efforts. To get what God wouldn’t give him.
2. “Fire lighting” a commitment to confidence in self effort based on Isa 50: 10-11. When we encounter something that is hard to deal with in life do we trust God or do we try to figure out what to do? Our natural tendency is to come up with a plan that seems to work and makes us feel confident. Most of the time this is not relying on God.
3. “Wall whitewashing” a commitment to safety based on Ezek 13 and Isa 30: 10-11. We naturally hate uncertainty. Tell us good things are on the horizon and not just the horizon of heaven. We want protection from bad things now. For Larry Crabb this was his natural way of responding. The death of his brother due to a plane crash prompted the book “Connecting”
4. “Well digging” a commitment to satisfaction based on Jer 2: 13-14. Our society today makes us naturally seek instant satisfaction on demand and on terms we control. All of us struggle with adequacy, confidence, and safety that leaves many Christians unable to hear God and that leaves an empty place within our soul. That emptiness becomes a problem that causes us to settle for whatever little satisfaction we can generate to fill that emptiness a little bit.
I firmly believe that God wants us to come to the end of self effort and one of the means He uses is through the grief that all Christians go through. Grief causes our city of satisfaction to be destroyed; our light of confidence to be put out; our walls of safety to fall down; and our wells of satisfaction to dry up.
That article I wrote entitled “A Letter from God” was partly inspired from the book “Connecting” and it addresses how God desires to meet our needs of adequacy, confidence, safety, and satisfaction in His way and not our way. In the midst of our grief He allows us a choice. We can rebuild our city of adequacy, find the light to guide us with confidence in our efforts, rebuild walls of safety, and find ways to satisfy our needs. This is all wood, hay, and stubble of the natural fallen way. Or we can choose to rely on God to supply our adequacy, confidence, safety, and satisfaction. It is easier to choose this way in a spiritually connecting community as we rely on God to work through us to touch each other to release the good that has been placed within us. In this way the character of Christ brightly shines through the good that is released by the chosen actions of our lives as we rely on the Holy Spirit to strengthen our new natures and renew our minds to choose to release the good that has been placed in our lives. I can say this has been the guiding principle behind the articles I have written.
I will talk about soul-talk in another post.
June 21st, 2012 at 8:20 pm
I’m Ray from Columbia, MD and although I introduced myself at the beginning I fell way behind because my wife Dawn and I are hosting and I am facilitating the showing and discussion of Fr. Barron’s 10 part series Catholicism sponsored by the charismatic covenant community we belong to.
I was touched by Marianne’s story and the related posts about how difficult it is to “love” as Jesus did. In fact, Fr. Barron’s second program on the teachings of Jesus discussed this in a way that I thought might be helpful and one that seems to me to be very consistent with how Henri would approach this subject. Barron writes,
“Love is not a sentiment or feeling, not merely a tribal loyalty or family devotion. Love is actively willing the good of the other as other. Often we are good or kind or just to others so that they may be good, kind, or just to us in return. But this is indirect egotism, not love. And this is why loving one’s enemies is the surest test of love. If I am good to someone who is sure to repay me, then I might simply be engaging in an act of disguised or implicit self-interest. But if I am generous to someone who is my enemy, who is not the least bit interested in responding to me in kind, then I can be sure I have truly willed his good and not my own.”
For me, this clearly describes the loving albeit difficult choice that Marianne made how she treated her patient.
In that same program, Fr. Barron discusses how Jesus shows us in a powerful way what it means to love as the Father loves in the Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15) and when he teaches us that “…as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.” (Matthew 25).
I’m looking forward to reading the other posts more closely and sharing this book with you all.
Peace and all good.
Ray
June 22nd, 2012 at 8:02 pm
Henri addresses the poverty of spirit in this chapter, and what I loved was how impoverished BOTH the patient and the clergyman were. It is humbling to read and consider how we are both the patient and the man of the cloth in this chapter, at different times in our lives.
I think one of the saddest states of our society now is the busyness we all face. We are busy, committed, overextended, stressed, overworked, etc. to the point that simply loving someone seems like another item to add to the list. Question two however, asks how we can love people who cross our paths every day. And I would like to keep in mind the way of Jesus is to be the ‘mystical revolutionary’.
If we are the patient, what does that love look like if one has faced child abuse by his father, neglect from his mother, condemnation from his church, rejection from his community, hardship in his workplace, aloneness, etc? This man is completely numbed out. And if we are the clergyman, what does that love look like if one needs to care for many, needs to maintain order in his church, is continually taking emergency calls, intercede in crisis? Don’t both men suffer the same affliction of stress and burnout? And does not the same condition greet them both…spiritual poverty?
It is rather paradoxical to me, because the very state of Peter in chapter one is where, I believe, many of us struggle. BECAUSE we struggle to live in the now, we have agendas, goals, purpose, lists, timelines, calendars, plans, expectations, etc., even to the point where love becomes an added item to this list. Did the clergyman go to visit the man to love him, or to check him off the list of patients, show his accomplishments of the day, find his own purpose in the visit?
Also, it is one thing to love those who seem unlovable…the drug addict, alcoholic, abuser, prisoner, as one who ministers to another. But what if that person is your brother, husband, father, with whom we live every day, not simply visit for an hour every week. How do we show them that same love? What does it mean to be the mystical revolutionary to them while unconditionally loving them?
Since the death of our son, we feel our deepest calling is to SHOW the love that is already in our hearts, God, to those who live. Understanding our son’s brokenness since his death has shown us his heart in a much deeper way, and we see the depth of the love we have always had for him in a new way. Our regret is that we feel we did not show that enough. What if we allowed ourselves to see that love within us, and simply risked showing it, first to those we care about most? How do we love our spouses, our parents, our children and their spouses, friends, relatives?
To love well is to risk the pain of loss, because at some point in time, we all face loss.
Blessings and Peace
June 22nd, 2012 at 9:18 pm
Ray, thank you! I often lament to my Spiritual Director that I do everything I am “supposed” to do but really don’t (feel) that I am doing it in love but with resentment. He constantly reminds me that I am doing it even though at times I don’t want to. He tries to remind me that it is more noteworthy for the very reason that it is still being done. I don’t want to get too specific on line but your sharing gives me more clarity. I remember from other book discussions that you often had many words of wisdom. Let us pray for one another. I usually make a special effort during these discussions to pray for each person many times a day but haven’t really done that or much of anything this time — not too late to start! By the way, “the Wounded Healer” is an excellent gift for many. In prayer I sent to someone (nervously and reluctantly), back in 2007 and found out years later that the person KNEW I was praying for them just because of my note “Thinking of you and felt you would appreciate this book”. I guess they knew I wasn’t that smart on my own and that the Holy Spirit had to have been at work. Have a safe and relaxing weekend. - Rose
June 23rd, 2012 at 9:33 am
There is so much to reflect on in this chapter! I’d like to focus a little bit on hope. Henri suggests that hope is in fact the deepest motivation for leading another to the future. It leads me to ask myself if I’m living by the hope I profess.
I’m currently working through a study called “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore. It is an excellent study through which Moore leads us to understand that many times we have allowed lies to direct and govern our lives. These lies become strongholds which have the power to severely limit or control our lives, even while we seek to serve and love God.
Ultimately I believe our hope rests in the fact that Jesus Christ died and rose again. His blood has made a way to life both now and for eternity - and that is great hope!! However, Christ didn’t just want us to survive - he came to bring life in abundance. He wants to filter this great hope down into the everyday. The smaller and larger struggles of life.
In her study Moore leads us to 1) Recognize the captor - recognize lies you have been believing and living by. 2) Stand in Agreement with God - that those lies no longer have a place in your life. 3) Tear down the lies. 4) Put up Truth - literally wallpaper your mind with the truth of God’s word. 5) Bow thoughts to the Truth - take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ.
When we start living in the Power of the Holy Spirit today, and apply the Truth to our lives, hope grows! When we then see others hurting and struggling, we know there is hope for them too. Our experience of hope is then the greatest motivation for leading another to the future.
As I worked through this study, I came to realize a number of “strongholds” or lies I have been living by. Although my summary of Moore’s study has been unfairly brief, I think it gives you an idea of the process. Such a key element, which deems being emphasized, is the importance of actively putting up God’s truth on the walls of your mind. Below I share some of the verses that have spoken to me, and I trust will bring hope to you as well. Other verses, which I didn’t have space to list, speak more specifically to my own fears/strongholds. All of the verses are true, and effectively bring hope and peace in the day-to day. As these truths become more rooted in my life, I trust that this hope will be my greatest motivation for leading another into the future:
Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
John 8:32 (NIV)
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (NIV)
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Matthew 10:29-31 (NIV)
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Romans 8:32 (NIV)
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
Brynn
June 23rd, 2012 at 12:28 pm
Cheryl Milman - You so aptly articulate truths to me! I am so sorry about the loss of your son. One of the gifts he left is possibly to get us to change some of our thinking about living and life. Your articulation of your thoughts helps the rest of us grow.
After I posted my story of caring for the Pedophile, I worried that there were readers in abusive, bullied relationships that would read my story and think that they should try harder to love their abusers. I know this is a bit of a veering from the topic of hope, Brynn, but I really worry about the abused.
Question 2a “The beginning and end of all Christian leadership is to give your life for others” (p77). This is a powerful call - what do you think it means? What does it not mean? ”
I was bullied for several years at work one time and the bully had me believeing that I was not worthy of much. At those times, I had a harder time believing that Christ died for me. It was impossible to “wallpaper my mind with God’s truths,” because the bully was so skilled and persistent at beating me down. I became ineffective at everything.
I think giving our life for others does not mean submitting to abuse or abusive power. At times, “giving our life” means protecting ourselves and our self esteem so that we may give our life in meaningful ways to people who will receive our love and care. Matt 7:6 Jesus said “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Dont’ throw pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attach you.” It was a happy day when I learned from a co-worker in Emergency to say to rude patients, “I’m here to help you, not to have you swear at me.” Have a great weekend, everyone.
June 23rd, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Marianne, what you say is so good! God-sent for me actually. It makes special sense for me following on Brynn’s post. I recently read an article (to do with counselling) in which the author said often we get messages in our families of origin which are lies. We are unable not to believe them and they work away in us and then we either take a despairing position (I am worthless) or a defiant position (I’ll show you).
I know about being bullied and I know about having a family in which (as one person described it to me) it’s “s— mixed into ice cream”. I think I have wanted to be loved so much that for a long time I blinded myself to this truth. There isn’t much you can do in such a situation except pray and focus outside that circle.
What is worrisome to me is where unwittingly because I am so familiar with those contaminated ways of relating where I might also have acted and still can act that way.
Hope comes and goes in me. I do believe there is a middle way… a way between despair and defiance…. a way in which lies are kept out and the truth and love flow in. The truth can indeed set you free. But the truth for me does cut both ways.
Staying in that way is frequently a really hard task for me.
June 23rd, 2012 at 11:10 pm
Thanks Marianne for your moving story and honesty in your reflection.
In this chapter regarding the Mr. Harrison verbatim I wondered if guiding Mr. H. to a new tomorrow is part of the way of offering Pastoral Care.I guess if I was going to see Mr. H as a priest or minister of a particular faith then I would allow my faith to inform my responses but in my case although working in Catholic facilities I go with not with my religion on my sleeve but my humanity. I was helped by Henri’s beautiful insight into peoples existence and experience in hospital wards on page 64 The Fear of Life and when on page 69 he says ” the emptiness of the past and future can never be filled with words but only by the presence of a human being. Because there only hope can be born.” Using this metaphor I am simply a midwife traveling with patients ready to help as they struggle to bring their hope into the light. Hope is born in the compassionate presence of another.Henri reminds me to lead by service, by example. How i can exemplify hope to others I guess that’s the “leaving the safe place”, and understanding my own fear of death
June 24th, 2012 at 8:04 am
Hope is everything. From the first moment of knowing our son’s death, the Spirit was a palpable force in our household, in our every movement. She was present in such a way, that we were all ‘caught’ in her embrace, even in our darkest emotions.
Three days after his passing, there was a torrential rain storm. It was very warm outside, which in Calgary does not happen! Rain usually equals cold. I decided to go out to stand in the rain, and as I did, I outstretched my arms to the heavens. The warm rain poured down my face, my body, drenching every fiber of my being. My husband soon joined me and wrapped his arms around me from behind. We stood in that rain letting it pour over our souls. The music in our house played a song by Steve Bell, in which he sang, “Our high priest, make us a house of Peace”. A low, quiet, long thunder rolled in the heavens, and we stood in the presence of God.
I can say without any doubt that the hope of Jesus has walked with us each day. He is the reason, because without Him, nothing has purpose. He has granted us the peace to know that our son is okay, and this has not waivered from the first moment. What a loving and merciful God we have. He is my reason, my everything.
June 24th, 2012 at 11:57 am
Hi. I am Nancy in Montana,
I have experienced being among many and feeling alone. I search my heart to see how much of this is my not trusting enough to be open. Frequently it is because I sense it is not safe. The most painful time is among my 4 sons now grown men. SInce their teenage years, the effects of the family disease of alcoholism has run rampant. I have been in al-anon since the late 80’s. They have not chosen any recovery. I witness the consequences of their choices and feel so isolated and alone. I love them and pray for them while I choose not to enable them. For too long I have loved through fear,trying to hold back an illusionary tsunami. I did not trust God. I tried to be their god. I do have hope. Jesus died to set us free. He alone in his mercy provides the grace and courage to break the chains that bind us and keep us from discerning his will for us.
When I connect ” heart to heart’ with another is when I feel the woundedness being healed.
June 24th, 2012 at 8:09 pm
So much to say here. I feel blessed to have found this discussion group on-line. Thank you Marianne for the moving tribute of caring for a contemporary undesirable . Amazing story, you touched my heart. And thanks for the words on soul talk Jimmy, and to other on the posts of courage after loss.
I really feel that this is a very important chapter. John’s encounter with Mr. Harrison hits home in a real way. Our work takes us often in places that make us uncomfortable, and it is our human nature to avoid anything that makes us uncomfortable. Yet, entering into the moment in the here and now, being present in a personal way is key to healing. Certainly we can see fear of living and dying in Mr. Harrison, yet it appears that John is fearful as well.
I am most curious about John, and I can relate to him. When we first enter ministry we want to help others. It makes us feel good. But we soon find out that helping other is not always easy and we do not always feel good doing it. I am wondering what is going on for John. Is it fear that he will not have the answers? Fear of failure that he cannot reach this man? Fear that he will have feelings and be vulnerable? Fear of being uncomfortable? In this way it becomes easy to say that Mr. Harrison is an “impossible man” and “not a likely candidate for pastoral help.”
It is easy to dismiss others as difficult. I am not saying that people cannot be difficult. They often are. It is not easy to work with the poor or with people with troubles. I think when we dismiss them as difficult we need to ask what is going on for us at that point? Are we hiding behind our insecurities and fears?
It is easy to hide behind the mechanistic techniques, in John’s case of non-directive counseling, which is actually built upon active listening, ironically. John hears but he does not really listen. It gives me pause…how many times do I hear but not really listen. Do I rely on research and treatment and not on the personal encounter? When I feed the poor do I get hung up on the mechanics of food and logistics? Do I really see the person? Do I see Jesus?
I am trying to ask what God wants me to see when I want to avoid discomfort? What is he trying to teach me?
In suffering we enter into the common humanity. We stand as witnesses waiting in a personal way with hope that there is more. In willing to be uncomfortable, and to realize that it is not about our confidence, talents, abilities, or lack thereof, but it is about his promise of hope and his grace. We need to truly “show up” and be present.
One of Beloved Henri’s gifts was to be personal. I have watched films of him, talking with others, walking side by side, but turning his head to face the other, being fully present in the encounter, gazing into the eyes with focused attention.
Henri is an amazing example of this, by his life and through his writing. In showing up and being willing to be uncomfortable we can discover, as Henri said on page 83, “that only by entering into communion with human suffering can relief be found.”
June 24th, 2012 at 10:25 pm
Once again (I feel like I cannot express it well enough or strong enough), the honest sharing that each of you offers is truly a gift!
Any further comments from this week are still welcome, but I ask you to now come over to the newest post so that we stay together. In gratitude,
Brynn